Twisoft: A New Moon Review

Dec 07, 2009 | No Comments | @andrewmarcec

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, after stuffing myself with far too much turkey and other holiday staples I decided that I would see what all the hype was about “New Moon”.

If you are looking for the short answer for what I thought of the movie, here it is…WOW.  Now let me extrapolate on that for you because this is not a good wow.  This is a wow of sheer awe at how bad a movie can really be.  I think I should also preface this review by saying that I have in fact read the book to this as well, so I’m not just writing this out of sheer hatred for most Twilight fans (granted that does help contribute to my loathing).

If you aren’t familiar with the Twilight series, to which I must only assume that means you live under the largest rock known to man, it’s about a downtrodden, self-centered bitch who falls in love with a vampire who sparkles more than Adam Glambert when in the sun.  The series then follows them through their “Romeo and Juliet” type romance…by romance I mean the vampire looking like he is trapped in a room with someone letting the most fowl farts imaginable, and the girl whining that she isn’t pretty.  So, you know, typical everyday romance trials and tribulations.

(No joke, my Google for this was “Edward Cullen Sparkle”)

In “New Moon” the plot has thickened.  Bella, our incredibly self-centered main character has a dream about growing old and Edward staying young forever.  This furthers her already unbearably annoying complex, and she manages to bring up the word “age” at least 342* times throughout the duration of the film.  Her complex is thrown into full-psycho-swing at the birthday party the Cullen’s throw for her.  Jasper (I can only think of the character Badge from “Are You Afraid Of The Dark” and the Setterwind when I hear this name) goes against his good nature and attacks Bella when he smells the blood from her paper cut.  This unfortunate incident wakes Edward up and he breaks up with Bella and gets the hell out of dodge for fear that if they stay together she will get hurt again (I thought it was because he finally was at his wits end with her moaning).

(It’s Not You, It’s Me…So…I’m Gonna Go Then.  Please Don’t Call…Or Leave A Bag Of Squirrel Heads On My Porch)

Bella goes into a deep depression and describes it (in both book and movie) as a “hole” in her heart.  The word hole lost all meaning about halfway through the film and for a bit I thought she was starting to just reference Courtney Love.  Anyway, Bella is deep in depression and finds the only way out, to play cock tease to Jacob, the Native American boy who is infatuated with her.  Her plan works for a while too!  Jacob is in love with her, and Bella likes that he’s hot for her…but wait, the heat resonating from his body isn’t because of her dead-end flirting, but because Jacob is a werewolf.

Extremely upset with this Bella decides to blow Jacob off and go back to Edward who tried to kill himself in Italy.  The end.

Does that sound like a record breaking film to you?  It totally does to me, I mean I hate it when films try to be somewhat artistic, and actually cast actors who have shed blood and sweat at honing and perfecting their craft. Kristen Stewart must have taken acting lessons from someone with a facial disorder because she has the same exact look on her face whether she’s happy, sad, or in the midst of a major freakout.

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As the clip clearly shows.

Let’s discuss the elephant in the room, or I should say, the elephant sized wolf in the room.  Are they serious with these werewolves?  I think this was a huge part of my disdain for the film.  I can handle if you want rework a classic horror icon, it’s been rehashed so many times over the years I feel like there is no way we will see anything new come from the werewolf again.  ”New Moon” shredded that hope by making the werewolves TALLER THAN PEOPLE STANDING UPRIGHT!  That’s right, not only did they attempt to make them resemble actual wolves (an attribute I’m surprisingly okay with), but they made them similar in size to fucking Falcore the luck dragon!  Oh also, every time they transform they shred their clothes.  Fucking shred them, I’m talking Bruce Banner and his purple pants shreds.  Now if this has been happening for generations (since the pact between the Cullens and the Natives was made), you would think these werewolves would smarted up and get some Velcro clothes or something.

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(Official Werewolf to Bella Scale)

Then at the end when Jacob and Edward confront each other about Bella, she pretty much tells Jacob that she will never love him (even though she said she did several times through the movie) right to his face, and that she would choose Edward over him any  day of the week.  Bitch move.

This film was actually painful for me to sit through, the werewolves looked like they animators got lazy and cut in clips of Wile E. Coyote cashing the Road Runner they looked so cartoony, and the climax of the film never really even seemed to take place.  I will rank this as a film I will only watch again when I have insomnia.

P.S.- Werewolf flimmakers, the whole “glossy eye, reflection, sense of recognition” really only works one time in a movie…just a tip to keep at the back of your hat cause you really oversaturated the film with these shots.

*Just an estimation, the real number is much higher.

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