My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Jun 11, 2009 | 2 Comments | @andrewmarcec

Business is the heartbeat of every town, the invisible hand drives its residents to aspire to achieve their dreams and that in turn gives the town new life.  As generations pass, that invisible hand drives younger residents away from the town that nurtured them, sheltered them, gave them so many memories, and leaves the town and the remaining families with dread, worry, and fear.  Harmony, an old mining town is in this exact position, and when it’s livlihood is threatened, the myths and legends of its past rise up to defend itself.

Harry Warden woke from his coma on Valentine’s Day, remembering only the mining accident that put him there.  With his mind filled with rage he killed twenty-two people, then himself.  Ten years later the town of Harmony is in an uproar because the mine that has kept the town running, the mine where the murders happened, is about to be sold.  With the town’s residents safety and security at stake something rises from the darkness to defend it, a man clothed in miners gear using a pickax as his weapon of choice.  Is it Harry Warden back from the dead?  Or simply just a man, trying to protect all that he’s worked for?

“My Bloody Valentine” is a remake of a 1981 Canadian horror film.  This update was mastered and released in 3-D.  The decision to make this film stereoscopic had to be a marketing ploy to cover up poor writing, drab acting, and the overall fact that this was thought up and crapped out by the Hollywood money machine.  Case and point, about twenty five minutes into the film a hooker explains to her client the history and meaning behind why we celebrate Valentine’s Day.  Chock full of “who done it” red herrings, infidelity resulting in an unwanted pregnancy, the pissing contest that all the male figures in the film are in, and the mentally scarred prodigal son,this film follows a very set and predictable pattern that even an eight year old could figure out.  The writers took the easy way out of explaining that there was a previous film by hastily rehashing the originals events, and then bringing in the “new” story ten years later.  This attempt failed miserably with a plot line that was  rough, confusing, and incredibly pointless.

(Um, so St. Valentine…he was this guy right? And he loved this girl, okay? Long story short, we celebrate him for love!  And I know love, I’m a hooker!)

The original film follows Harry Warden, a miner in Valentine Bluffs and the only survivor of a methane gas explosion caused by several negligent mine workers who clock out early to attend the Valentine’s Day dance.  After a year in an asylum Harry escapes to take vengance on those who caused the explosion, and vows that a Valentine’s Day dance will never be held in town again.  Twenty years pass and Harry Warden becomes the plot of stories meant to spook children, until some kids have had enough with the stories and decide to throw the first Valentine party in twenty years.

The main draw for many who are skeptical of this film is the fact that it poses the option to watch it in 2-D or 3-D.  Do not let this cheap marketing ploy fool you.  Though stereoscopic films look amazing in theaters, there is still no successful way to transfer them on DVD, standard or blu-ray.  The glasses come with the classic blue and red eyes, and the picture is outlined in red and blue on the 3-D side of the disc.  This DVD should not boast 3-D features, but instead opt for “incredible depth perception” because that is about the best you will get.  Nothing “jumps” off the screen, or gives your the sensation that it is coming right at you.  Where certain objects in a frame are outlined clearly, the rest of the frame becomes one giant blur, leaving you unimpressed and with an aching head.

Through its drab storytelling, weak execution of “3-D”, and incredibly predictable plot this film is one that is barely worthy of Wal-Mart bargain bins.  Avoid at all costs.

(3-D Film Advertisements Aren’t Misleading At All)

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2 Comments to “My Bloody Valentine 3-D”

  1. Kira

    Jun 12th, 2009

    Wow, this sounds like a great movie! I’m going to pick it up tomorrow for $19.99! (Sarcasm.) This sounds like the worst plot in a long, long time. I can’t believe these writers are making millions are we’re sitting here writing for free!

  2. Kira

    Jun 12th, 2009

    are = and in my last post…

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