Disney Vault
Sep 24, 2009 | 2 Comments | @andrewmarcec
I, like many kids of our generation, was raised on Disney films. I think the first film I actually saw in theaters was the “Aristocats”. When I was young, and thought I could draw, my life’s dream job was to be a Disney animator. However that love of Disney animated films slowly disappeared after a while, and turned into a seething hatred with the incredibly huge popularity of VHS Disney films.
Now, before we go on let me clear something up, I do love Disney films. I just hate the people who are the collectors of them. The oddly shaped and overly large VHS cases tempted people into buying the films because they looked a little different. After several years of collecting and many films lining up on the large shelf of the bookcase, because there is always one shelf larger than the others…a modeling device brought on by Disney himself? I digress, as the collections became larger, Disney needed a way to regulate these films and make the collectors feel that they were actually worth something. Hence the incorporation of the Disney Vault and what I call “Vaulters”.
The phrase Vaulter is pretty self explanatory, but let me clue you in on what Vaulters are just in case you can’t figure it out, or are one. A vaulter is a person who goes ape-shit at the first commercial that advertises that a Disney film is going “back into the Disney Vault”. Meaning they aren’t going to release the film ever again….EVER!!!!!
For at least 3 months, or 10,000 angry phone calls (whichever comes first).
Is there really a vault they store films in? NO, are you serious? You really think they have a mouse shaped vault where they store overstock films, lean back in creaky leather chairs and laugh their evil laugh?
Vaulters are also the people who look too closely at these cases and films. They are the ones that saw Mufasa slumber under the beautiful glow of starry sex. It’s a space mystery!!!!
(Oh space, your sweet glow makes me….horny?)
They also found the penis on the cover of “The Little Mermaid”.
(I see nothing phallic about that at all!)
However, in the age of piracy, the vault is crumbling, and I am sitting back laughing. Piracy, ebay, and the fact that people caught on to the Disney deceit has foiled the Disney plans. Their feeble attempts at threatening us with the Disney blu-ray vault is now a joke. Disney is getting desperate, now resulting to a Disney Channel vault. But we, the non-vaulters now have the ability to turn our heads and remember when Disney was a good, wholesome, non-money grubbing company…wait, no, nobody remembers that, we all are still crying over all our Disney Dollars.
(30 of these gets you 1/2 of 1/4 of a Jonas Brothers CD now.)
2 Comments to “Disney Vault”
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Jess
Sep 24th, 2009sigh…Andrew, I love ya. Really. And I love Disney. I know what movies are going in and out the “vault” and roughly when. I waited for 4 years for the Little Mermaid on dvd (sigh…no bluray then) and YES, its a penis (you forgot the priest at the wedding has um…wood) My point- well, I don’t really have one, but I can say FUCK the Disney Vault. Hard. Last I checked, when we were kids, you could go to your mall, go to the Disney Store (which was WAY cool when we were kids) and ANY MOVIE Disney made including the badass Sing-Along-Songs (my favorite. Still know the opening song “Join right in sing along with Diiiisneeeey singggg aaaa looooong!”) any movie they made, no matter when made or how old, you could buy. But now, I HAVE to buy the stupid movies as they come out (Snow White in 2 weeks, fyi!) becuase I plan on having kids sometime during this century and would like them to be able to watch those movies like I did as a kid and if my kid wants to watch Fantasia, they’re shit out of luck cause I tried to get it not knowing it was in the vault again. Its just stupid money making crap by Disney. The ONLY reason I buy those films now is for my kids whoever knows when down the road. I shouldn’t have to think like that. Oh and I HAVE a Disney Dollar somewhere still. Got it with change at Disney years ago and what do you tell them “No, I’d like legal tender outside your magical playground please?” They say its valid there, so tough luck. Do they even use Disney Dollars anymore? Rant over.
Jess
Sep 24th, 2009PS…Simba is laying under the SEX part, not Mufasa and you forgot Aladdin saying “take off your clothes” to Jasmine, the Rescuers (I think that was the movie) has cutouts of pinup girls in the windows that blow by real fast, and Snow White is a whore. I can’t prove that last one, but she slept with lots of little dudes.